The heartbreak tapas

small portions, big feelings.

My last breakup I pierced my nipples (since removed, the piercings, not the nipples) and fell in love with two people. When Jenny Holzer said, "Having two or three people in love with you is like money in the bank," I took that shit seriously.

• The first person I told was an Uber driver on a balmy Friday night. He told me to forgive because "finding love in this country is hard." He turned the music down when I spoke. Before the ride ended, he said at very least I should pretend to forgive and then get revenge.

• The best part of going through a breakup is that everyone tells you their breakup stories. I genuinely think this is a great topic of conversation and think we should replace all boring topics with this topic. It's the perfect intersection of gossip and philosophy.

• I started a list on my Notes called 'New life' it has three bullets: pillows, hangers, tablecloth. I forgot to add more, but I wish spinning up a new life was so easy.

• When I was in Sweden, my friend's dad said that after a big party there's a saying that's something like "I sat too close to the orchestra". That's how this feels sometimes.

• In the first few days I would wake up crying and then feel some sort of perverse satisfaction that the day had begun so badly, as if then I was off-the-hook for continuing to feel bad, or if anything it was only up from there. Then if I did manage to laugh at a sitcom I could barely concentrate watching, I felt like Buddha himself.

• Life's infinite card shuffle means that sometimes you land up with a brand-new life on a casual Thursday evening when you thought you'd be getting a Turkish and watching Mad Men (again).

• Someone I was talking to described Don Draper as the Executive Function Final Boss.

• I've been invited to a lot of things. I've received flowers. I've been checked on. My uncle said: "These men hey…" and did a small unconvincing laugh to show me that A. he realises he is a man but also B. that he feels sad and doesn't know what to say.

• They should give you a medal and put your name on a plaque for unfavouriting all the photos that make you sad.

• It's weird that if someone hits on me, I don't have to stop them unless I want to.

• I have listened to the full spectrum of breakup playlists: heartbroken, sad, crying sad (different to sad)… Frank Ocean, you will always be famous.

• This newsletter is named after my favourite quote by Nayyirah Waheed: "she asked 'you are in love, what does love look like' to which i replied 'like everything i've ever lost come back to me.'" What happens when you lose your world again?

• Your life can be falling apart and you can still get an email about a traffic fine from 2018. It is not illegal.

• I developed a habit of pushing my engagement ring down with my thumb because it was a little too big for me. I worry about the things that are precious to me. Now, no ring but the habit remains. Devotion can be a habit. I remember being in the ocean and holding it down marvelling that I could.